Youth of the Nation
I love my youth group. It challenges me to grow in my relationship with God, rather than playing "chubby bunny" games. I just wanted to say that up front … because there is something that I think needs to be changed in all youth groups, or at least all that I have had the opportunity to visit or attend. Indeed, this problem comes from outside the youth group, an issue that ought to be addressed right here and right now that is indeed applicable to all teenagers:
You should not have a significant other. Take it from me, one who has been the entire range of ages from 12 to 17, that you do not need a boyfriend or girlfriend.
I ask you, what is the purpose of having a boyfriend or girlfriend in this sense? Why date? Presumably, you are looking for someone you can spend the rest of your life with … you are looking for a marriage partner. If this is the purpose, why start when you are in junior high? Are you even going to get married at 19? From a purely pragmatic point of view, the answer is probably no. I wouldn't be ready to start and support a family at that age. It takes a special kind of divine providence to get married so young. Such providence is not unheard of, but this does not give you the right to create and discard boyfriend/girlfriend relationships willie-nillie.
If you answer that the purpose of dating or a boyfriend or girlfriend is anything other than marriage, you are mistaken. It is either an unwholesome or non-honorable end, or an unnecessary step in an otherwise normal friendship.
One of my very favorite quotes, ironically enough, from my youth pastor is "Love is not a ditch. You don't 'fall in.'" Love is not an infatuation developed at first sight. Love is a relationship. A significant other is more than "I like you, you like me" relationship and it is more than an infatuation. If you aren't prepared to tie the knot and ascribe to 1 Corinthians 13 personally, forget it. Love has been twisted from a definition of sacrifice to a definition of infatuation. The motivation in a significant relationship must reflect the "true" definition of love. I would contend that most teenage "couples" forget this.
Ok then. Let's recap with a nicely ordered list of reasons and disadvantages to teenage angst in the relational department.
1. Too young. Although not necessarily exclusive to a relationship, the vast majority of cases demonstrate that teenagers are too young to have a relationship leading to marriage. This is true of maturity, responsibility, and the fact that often childhood sweethearts do not grow up into adulthood marriage partners. It may be God's will, but you better make sure.
2. What is love? Love is not the contemporary culture's definition of physical attraction mixed with a degree of hormonal unrest. Love is a relationship. As a teenager, if you actually have a desire for that relationship it becomes an issue
3. The pragmatic issues. The bottom line is that roses are expensive. If you can't fulfill the two part requirement of being in God's will and developing a truly loving relationship, save your money till later.
Now that we know what relationships are all about, we can address the issue of the youth group. Too often they mitigate the problem by simply encouraging people to be careful with their boyfriend or girlfriend relationships. I've even seen some boyfriend and girlfriend … interaction … in the parking lot before youth group begins. I think we need to separate the church from the culture in this regard. There are a lot of teenage relationships that fail to satisfy the two part test above, let alone the pragmatic requirements.
Therefore, I ask you to have a healthy and normal friendship with girls and boys alike. You can love girls and boys who are friends as fellow sisters and brothers of Christ without the messy and unnecessary side effects of a relationship that has the wrong purpose or no purpose at all.
You should not have a significant other. Take it from me, one who has been the entire range of ages from 12 to 17, that you do not need a boyfriend or girlfriend.
I ask you, what is the purpose of having a boyfriend or girlfriend in this sense? Why date? Presumably, you are looking for someone you can spend the rest of your life with … you are looking for a marriage partner. If this is the purpose, why start when you are in junior high? Are you even going to get married at 19? From a purely pragmatic point of view, the answer is probably no. I wouldn't be ready to start and support a family at that age. It takes a special kind of divine providence to get married so young. Such providence is not unheard of, but this does not give you the right to create and discard boyfriend/girlfriend relationships willie-nillie.
If you answer that the purpose of dating or a boyfriend or girlfriend is anything other than marriage, you are mistaken. It is either an unwholesome or non-honorable end, or an unnecessary step in an otherwise normal friendship.
One of my very favorite quotes, ironically enough, from my youth pastor is "Love is not a ditch. You don't 'fall in.'" Love is not an infatuation developed at first sight. Love is a relationship. A significant other is more than "I like you, you like me" relationship and it is more than an infatuation. If you aren't prepared to tie the knot and ascribe to 1 Corinthians 13 personally, forget it. Love has been twisted from a definition of sacrifice to a definition of infatuation. The motivation in a significant relationship must reflect the "true" definition of love. I would contend that most teenage "couples" forget this.
Ok then. Let's recap with a nicely ordered list of reasons and disadvantages to teenage angst in the relational department.
1. Too young. Although not necessarily exclusive to a relationship, the vast majority of cases demonstrate that teenagers are too young to have a relationship leading to marriage. This is true of maturity, responsibility, and the fact that often childhood sweethearts do not grow up into adulthood marriage partners. It may be God's will, but you better make sure.
2. What is love? Love is not the contemporary culture's definition of physical attraction mixed with a degree of hormonal unrest. Love is a relationship. As a teenager, if you actually have a desire for that relationship it becomes an issue
3. The pragmatic issues. The bottom line is that roses are expensive. If you can't fulfill the two part requirement of being in God's will and developing a truly loving relationship, save your money till later.
Now that we know what relationships are all about, we can address the issue of the youth group. Too often they mitigate the problem by simply encouraging people to be careful with their boyfriend or girlfriend relationships. I've even seen some boyfriend and girlfriend … interaction … in the parking lot before youth group begins. I think we need to separate the church from the culture in this regard. There are a lot of teenage relationships that fail to satisfy the two part test above, let alone the pragmatic requirements.
Therefore, I ask you to have a healthy and normal friendship with girls and boys alike. You can love girls and boys who are friends as fellow sisters and brothers of Christ without the messy and unnecessary side effects of a relationship that has the wrong purpose or no purpose at all.
posted by Matt Pitchford at 17:17
6 Comments:
Matt,
Worse yet, it teaches and trains our youth to be in serial relationships -- hooking up, breaking up, ...
And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high? They practiced it in junior high/high school.
pax,
DMC
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
and this is why you and I are so different...=D but you pose an amazing point and so I applaud it. and how you put it, makes me see the light. =D Bravo...smarty pants.
Yay for no "chubby bunny" games. That's something about youth groups that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I also agree about the relationships--but then I think that can be extended into college and later life. I tell people I'm not against dating..I'm just against casual dating.
I second your entire post! :)
I used to dream of being one of those select few who dreamed of being a young wife and mother. However, the closer I get to the "ideal" courting age, I realize that I am so not ready for marriage. A quote that I like is "I don't want to date, I want to get married!" If I'm not ready to marry, I'm not ready to date.
Just because you should have a good reason for dating doesn't mean that any dates equal lifelong commitment. Keep in mind that the entire purpose of courtship (and the dates occuring during that courtship) is to see if you're *compatible* with the other person; the purpose is not to pick out the colours of the bridesmaid's dresses. That's engagement.
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